UNLEARNING the false meaning of Selflessness.
It’s been a while here and this is something I’ve been wanting to do for a long time. I am here with something I want to record as a message not just for you but for myself. It is said that when you get a good advice, do what needs to be done; “Pass it on”.
I had been going through a lot of indecision as regarding raising dust and losing people’s presence in my life and I spoke to one of my best friends about it and she said;
“Solafunmi, it’s okay to put you first and it is okay to choose you” and that struck me so deep.
Many times, in a bid to try to be friendlier or to allow people like me, I would settle for anything that drops off from other people rather than go after the very things that I want. I wasn’t going after the very things that made me happy. I only allowed the happiness of other people with me to determine whether I was happy or not. I was so vested in other people that I was allowing the perception of people to my work determine my happiness too. It became a system where I would pursue the happiness of other people and if by luck my personal happiness was guaranteed in it, those would be the only drops of happiness I would enjoy.
This wasn’t bringing my expected end and it definitely didn’t mean that I had more friends or that people became a lot more loyal. It only meant that I became a pawn- a tool in the grand scheme of things. Now that I think about it, I realize that I was going for less than I wanted when in the actual sense, nobody cared and even if they did, it would not culminate in the expected end of everybody liking me.
Lately, it had generated into a state of inferiority complex and not caring about myself and always putting others first even to my detriment and I had already had enough because let’s call a spade a spade; I looked plain stupid. I was being trampled upon and “Ms. selfless to her Detriment” had had enough.
Maybe, you’re like me and you’re thinking that by not going after what you want, you will come across as more welcoming. DARLING, THAT IS A LIE FROM THE PIT OF HELL. Choose You because you are worth choosing and worth fighting for. People are naturally selfish and your refusal to choose going after what you want will not mean that they will even get that thing you let go of for them.
Earlier this year, I watched an interview that Chimamanda Ngozi Adichie had where she said that she will no longer take the highroad when people say defamatory things about her. Sometimes, when you take the highroad, to leave things as they are, you feel cheated and you expect that person to change but they won’t. That’s the sad thing about life.
I read through the book of John a while back and what struck me was that Jesus would call forth the BS of the Pharisees. And it struck me that sometimes, what Jesus would do is not keep quiet. He will speak up and say “that’s mine and I want it.” He wouldn’t always say “you can have it”. All agreed, he will do it in a polite way but he will do it all the same. Even when the person would want to make a fuss about it, he will still stand his ground and say that’s what he wants and he will not be timid about it.
I know that for a while, it can seem like an out of body experience, but with time and the same intentionality, you will learn to choose you. This doesn’t mean you will always get what you want or should not be less selfish at times but value you because nobody will value you and put you first like you. And with time, people will learn to deal with it.
Yeah! And I also learned that I should stop saying sorry too much and that it’s upsetting to cut in when people are speaking. 😂